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One Day I’ll Figure It Out….

So, here I am. Starting a blog to talk about topics that have no connection to each other aside from the fact that they are thoughts, feelings, and experiences that I have had. Welcome to my word vomit.

I’m an ordinary person. I have a family, a job, own a house, and try to balance it all. I want to be a good wife to my husband and a good mom to my kids. I want my work to be fulfilling and add value to the world in some way. Right now, it’s all a big old mess! My commute is an hour and a half one way. I Have a lot of time to think. Probably too much time to think because it can be dangerous. One particular day I was thinking about how stiff I was from sitting in my cubicle all day. I was wondering if the bridge people were going to be on the highway slowing down traffic. If I was going to remember to stop at the store when I finally made it that far. I have to sign that permission slip tonight that is way past due. The little one really needs a bath and to get to bed at a decent time. I would love to have a conversation with my husband and maybe cuddle up together and watch a show. What the hell am I going to make for dinner? Shit I have homework! No cuddling, maybe no dinner. Would it be bad if my family had cereal or frozen pizza again? I finally get home and realize I forgot to stop at the store for milk, pizza it is! I walk in, the dogs have been cooped up for 12 hours and are itching to go for a run. The floor needs vacuumed, the kitchen needs an exorcism, and there are no clean towels. See, I told you… word vomit.

At that moment I realized that there has to be more to it than the mess that I am constantly trying to juggle.

I have always wanted to be a writer but of course never thought I was talented enough, creative enough, disciplined enough. All positive adjectives can really be inserted before enough and I have felt it at some point. That brings me back to the blog.

What am I hoping to accomplish with this:

  • Self confidence and conquering my fear of failure.
  • Exposure! If I really want to be a writer people are going to have to read what I write eventually.
  • Open a dialog… I know I am not the only 30 something that is feeling like a failure at life right now.

Expect this blog to be random. I have some short stories I want to share along with some free verse poems. I also journal like a maniac and have observations, thoughts and ideas about life in general. I have a lot of opinions on parenting ( I’m not a perfect parent), society (that one is scary), marriage (I love being married), and the work life of Americans (it needs some help). I love constructive criticism but hate negativity for no reason. I am on a health journey that is HARD. I am working on being less judgmental and more understanding of the struggles that we all face. I am attempting to get my bachelors degree online at 37 so I definitely have some opinions about that.

Overall, I am trying to start a path to an unknown place. I welcome any feedback and hope to entertain, jump start conversations, and create camaraderie among other “failures”.

Enjoy the ride!

Caged

This post was written 2 years ago and I never published it. In fact I have been paying for this blog for 5 years with minimal publications because I am scared. Scared of what people think of me; scared of failing; scared of succeeding. I’m done being a bitch. I want to share my thoughts and observations. I want to write my book. I want to give my perspective. This post is not finished but the beginning is something worth reading so here it is. Like it or hate it. None of it really matters anyway.

This past weekend was busy and beautiful. The weather was perfect, my husband was off work and we all spent the entire weekend together doing things besides clean the house. I couldn’t have asked for a better weekend. Sunday was suppposed to be spent taking my son and neice skydiving but due to communication issues, that didn’t happen. We were 2 hours from home and needed another activity ASAP. We ended up at the zoo.

I love animals of all kinds, even the scary ones. I find them magnificent and awe inspiring. They all have evolved so specifically and have their own place in the world. The simplicity of thier existence causes envy in my soul. They are what they are. They know exactly how to live thier life. They are not burdened by existential questions. They dont waste their time on this Earth. They are present in every form of the word.

I have always struggled with zoos in general. I understand their importance in conservation and breeding but sometimes they bring out sadness in me as happened on this last Sunday. We of course made our way to the Chimp house. These are often my favorite stops becuase they are so animated and beautiful. This stop however, made my heart break for them.

When we walked up to their glass enclosure there was a large male pacing slightly. He looked…. unsettled. All of a sudden he picked up one of the large balls and smashed it against the door. My guess is that this was somesort of medecine ball. It had weight to it and made an echoing rumble as it bounced off the metal door. I am no chimp whisperer but this did not seem like the actions of a playful animal. it felt like it was driven by dispair. After the outburst the chimp made his way to the corner and just sat.

His eyes were full of emotion as he sat pondering his situation. He looked across the exibit to more chimps that were huddled together. Their interactions with each other were gentle and loving. One of the chimps had blankets on her shoulders. She took them off, layed them on the ground and made a bed from them. She layed down and tucked her hand under her chin the same way I do when I go to sleep.

I immediately saw myself in this chimp. I may not be in a cage but I am no less caged. We all are. Life has become something hard and unfulfilling.

40 is the New 20…

There is a storm ahead.

At 40 I thought that I would have my shit figured out. I would be earning a living the way I wanted that gave me purpose and fed my soul. I would have hobbies and interests that filled my minimal free time and would fill my cup. I would have a solid network of friends that added to my already full and engaging life. This is all false. I have the most amazing family that I could ever ask for and I love them endlessly. The rest of it does not exist. If anything I am more lost at 40 than I was at 20. I dont know if this is normal or if I am just fucked up. Either way, that is what I’m working with. Am I the only one that doesn’t know how to find this type of life? Doubt it.

40 is a hard age that no one talks about. If you have found yourself on a more “typical” path you have probably settled into a career that pays your bills sufficiently and maybe even allows you the opportunity to go on a vacation every now and then. This is the danger zone. this is where a decade disappears seemingly overnight and there was nothing remarkable about it. Just work, sleep, repeat.

This is also the part where if you chose to have kids they are getting older and need you less which is the point but it leaves you with voids in your time that you dont realize right away. If you are like me, a year has gone by and you have played more games on your phone than you have had conversations with your husband. Now you have more independant children and a marriage that needs some TLC. That alone will make you spiral into sadness and a big ole pity party. This is where I am but more about this another time.

Lastly, there are your friendships. They are still there but don’t look like they used to after the last decade of little people taking center stage. You can definitely get them back but there is another big obstacle in the way. You don’t like to go out. You don’t like to socialize anymore. Bars are gross and the thought of ever having a hangover again makes me want to kill myself. Loud places give me anxiety and small talk is the worst. How do you get reaquainted with your friends or even worse, make new ones?

I’m trying to figure all this out right now. I have no answers or words of wisdom. Just know that if you are here in your life right now I am too. I see you and I get it. It’s a hard season of life that you weren’t expecting. Stay the course and try to find joy. Don’t try to be shitting rainbows everyday but at least enjoy your coffee.

Easy like Sunday Morning

I’m a morning person but not the type that likes to jump out of bed and do elaborate excersize routines or meal prep for the next 40 days or clean the entire house before the sun comes up. I’m the morning person that likes to sit in silence in my backyard and sip coffee or snuggle up with my dogs and sip coffee. as long as their is no sound, coffee and little movement I am there for it. I take my mornings very seriously and even my 7 year old knows there is no noise before coffee. It’s the moment in my day where I have my most functional thoughts about life and what the fuck I am doing. I do a lot of reading and watching of YouTube videos. I am a self help addict and there is no shortage of that shit on the internet so I take it all in. My most recent obsession in the self help world is minimalism. I’m in the proces of declutering my life. It’s going painfully slow but I’m convinced it will make me happier, more productive, a better parent, a better wife, a super hero!

The craze before this was block scheduling and before that was meditation and before that was the power of attraction. None of these have made me into the super hero that I so long to be but I keep on trucking until I figure out the perfect solution. All of this rambling is to say that I, at 7am on a Sunday morning, have now chosen blogging as my path to becoming a super hero. I know, I know; everyone and thier brother has a blog. Why the fuck do I think that mine will be worth reading? Well, I don’t. This is for me and if someone stumbles across my words and gets some amusement or insight or comraderie then thats fucking rad. If not, I’ll still be doing me and swimming in a sea of self help until I become a super hero.

Calm in an Unmedicated Brain – 3 Simple Steps

It’s hot. It’s August in Maryland which means its 90 something degrees, feels like 105 and has intense humidity. August is my least favorite season for exactly this reason. September is similar but the nights tend to be more enjoyable. On the other spectrum of weather we have February which is the longest short month of the year, extra cold and extra dark. The holidays are over. The excitement of a new year is over and it’s cold and dark. Did I mention it’s cold and dark. These are the 2 motnhs of the year that I need to take extra good care of my mental health and I honestly suck at it. I’ve said before that I am a self help addict which would lead you to beleive that I am awesome….. I am not. I am a failed self help addict always looking for the next “thing” that will make me great. I know that none of it will work if I don’t work it but I enjoy the process of failing and the inevitable self loathing that follows. I may be a sadist under all this peace and love bullshit.

All of this rambling is to say that heading into one of my bad months I decide it’s a good time to go off my meds. Genius, am I right!?I like to make my life as difficult as possile apparently. So, here I am; weening from these terrible things and feeling like dog shit on the daily, trying to not freak out on my family. I am not anti meds for mental health at all. They have helped me for a long time. I have found over the years that when I am on them for too long I start to feel numb which is where I am now. I have stepped down my dosage over the last couple weeks and now I have stopped taking them. With the irritablilty and rage also come the good things. My creativity comes back along with bursts of excitement and hope. With out the downs we don’t have the ups and I really love the ups.

When I am heavily medicated I also don’t try to make any life changes. I get stuck in complacency and just ride the groundhog day express. BORING! I have been heavily medicated for almost 5 years now and life, while it is great and I am blessed, has been mostly the same. No forward motion. No changes. No excitement. I sound like an ungateful spoiled bitch but I think these feelings that come are just our souls way of telling us to change it up. Stop wasting your one short life on mediocrity and boredom. Not being content in a good life doesn’t mean that you are ungrateful. It just means that there is something else that will feed your soul on a more fulfilling level. In these moments of discontent there are some things that can be done to support your mind body and soul while your brain recalibrates.

NATURE

I feel best when I start my day outside. I’m not talking outside doing crazy shit like wild workouts or long runs. Fuck that. I just ned to sit outside. I have a small yard that is full of plants and a couple of rocking chairs. I sit out there with my coffee and my dogs. I look around, feel the air, watch the squirrels and birds and just sit. I’m not mindful or manifesting. I’m just chillin. People underestimate just chillin. We don’t always need to be making our selves better and pushing our selves forward, especially if you are like me and take personal introspection a little too far. I need to chill the fuck out sometimes and that is how I like to start and end my day. I try to do the same thing at the end of the day but in the hellish month of August it’s too fucking humid and infested with masquitos to be outdoors.

Side note of this facet of my ridiculous self care routine. If you don’t have a dog and aren’t allergic to dogs, get a fuckking dog. They are amazing. They make you feel good and love you and snuggle you and are way better than most people. I know what you’re going to say. I’m so busy and special and imporant that I couldn’t possibly have time for a dog. I call bullshit. You don’t need an energetic puppy that has to run 4 miles a day just to chill the fuck out. There are endless amounts of older dogs that just want someone to snuggle and a place to be loved in thier last years. They dont care if you are at work during the week or don’t go on extravagant runs and to fancy dog parks. They want to shit in your backyard, have a nice bed, yummy treats and a human to call thier own. Older dogs also don’t typically need to be crated so they will just hold down the fort while you are at work and want to go for a walk every once in a while. Just think about it.

PERSPECTIVE

I have an intense inner monologue that is a complete dick most days. I am very mean to myself. It’s probably my biggest issue. Did you know that obssesive thoughts and negative self talk is a syptom of OCD? When I was diagnosed it honestly chaged my life and made the crazy shit that tumbled around in my mind make a little sense. Now, when my inside is being an asshole I have to be vocal with it. This usually sounds something like ” get over yourself and snap the fuck out of it”. This is all it takes most days to make me change my perspective from inside out to outside in. The secret to this perspective shift is doing it out loud and sometimes in the mirror. Getting trapped in your own prison is no joke and I can spend days there if I allow it.

SCREAM

This one is my favorite. When the other 2 just don’t cut it I scream. Not a “startled by someone sneaking up on you” scream. A blood curdling, I’m being murdered in a dark alley scream. The kind of scream that makes you dizzy and see black dots when you are done. This takes my entire bundle of neurotic energy and violently expells it from my body. Fuck that energy. It gets in the way and makes me miserable. It only seems natural to banish it violently. An immediate sense of calm usually settles over me after this. Sometimes it is accompanied by a headache but there is a price for everything, right?

So, there you have it. My 3 strategies for dealing with an unmedicated brain. The aren’t full of foo foo feel good kumbaya bullshit. I can’t handle that. I choose to embrace my chaos and work it out in a similar agressive fashion. There is no mindfulness here. No serentity now. I try to start calm and if that doesnt work then the peace party is over. We don’t have time for all that mess.

Yep…I’m Going There

It’s early in the morning and I settle down at my computer, coffee in hand, ready to write a witty post about breastfeeding. My computer starts up and the first headline I read says “Weekend Shootings Reignite Bitter Debate”. There is no way I can write about breastfeeding now. I am going to venture out into controversial territory. My goal is simply to start a conversation or a thought process that might actually lead to a place where we can start to mend our broken culture.

Our country is reeling from back to back tragedies over the weekend. Senseless violence that has become way too common in our world. I don’t know much about either incident, only that innocent people were robbed of their lives far too soon. Parents lost children and children lost parents. Whole communities are shattered. I will read about the people that were lost. About their lives and what is left now for their families. It’s important to see these people and remember their faces. Selfishly, I’m not ready to do that yet.

Immediately following any tragedy the whole country sends thoughts and prayers. We have all said it and seen it so much that it has become a knee jerk reaction to anything terrible. It makes us feel better. It shows the world that we have compassion. Soon the thoughts and prayers are gone, replaced by the next story and we are no better than we were before. How many people have we lost to violence and we are not making any changes in our culture to stop the next one from happening. Instead, we teach our kids what to do in a mass shooter incident. We buy them bullet proof backpacks. We modify schools so doors can be locked and blocked easily. We get emails at work telling us about the run, hide, fight protocol and where the safest place in the building is to hide. I’m sorry but What The Fuck! We are adapting to the violence instead of doing something about it.

Don’t leave yet! This is not about the gun debate. By the time a person is ready to use a gun to hurt others we have already lost that battle. Our goal should be to prevent people from getting to that point. The topic of mental health comes up a few times after every incident and just as quickly it’s gone. We get caught in the blame game. It’s the left, it’s the right, it’s guns, parents, bullies, schools, music, video games, the news, the position of Saturn and any other crazy scapegoat we can come up with. Well I have some bad news…. it’s OUR fault. All of us in this country are responsible for the environment that we live in. We stopped caring about our neighbors. We stopped teaching our kids that kindness above all else is the most important part of being a human. Life started going so fast that we all went into survival mode. It was inevitable really. We are bombarded with information every minute of everyday. A lot of it is negative. The spawn of the information age went so fast that we weren’t able to adapt. Negativity is a cancer that spreads through society and so far it has had free reign. That coupled with the anonymity that our keyboards provide has caused us all to become detached from reality. What we are left with is a country of people that are becoming damaged by the internet with no way out. This is where the family structure, communities, and schools should be working together to nurture each other. That’s not happening. Life is so expensive that both parents have to work full time, single parents have to work more than that, childcare is as much as a mortgage, health insurance is even higher than that and the ones that are losing in this rat race are the kids. Now here we are, looking around and wondering what the hell to do.

The one thing that I always remembered from my psychology classes was Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Its a triangle with the most important basic needs at the bottom. These needs are physiological: air, water, food, shelter, clothing, reproduction. Above this is safety: personal security, employment, health, resources. Above this is love and belonging: intimacy, friendship, family, a connection with other humans. Above this is self esteem followed by the top, self actualization. Our connection with other people is more important than our connection with ourselves! It’s more important to be loved and belong somewhere than it is to have self esteem. This is the breakdown in our society. This is the step that we have deleted in the last 20 years. It’s time to go back to basics. Put your damn phone down when you are out in public. Have a conversation with the cashier at the grocery store. Talk to someone at work that might be a little quiet. Have dinner with your family a couple times a week. start a relationship with your neighbors. Step out of your comfort zone and make a new friend. Join a group, church, book club or volunteer somewhere. Encourage your kids to talk to someone new at school every week. Be present in your life. Honestly, I suck at most of this. I will go out of my way to avoid talking to people in the store, I cancel plans and I rush inside when my neighbors are out in their yards. I don’t even know why I do it. I’m sure a lot of people do it, so lets just stop!

This is not going to fix the worlds problems overnight. I’m not that naive. We have a generation of people that need our help. That is where the mental health system comes into play but that is a conversation for another day. Lets focus on what we can change today. In the words of Darren Hardy, “small, smart choices + consistency + time = RADICAL DIFFERENCE”.

Pool Days

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” – Theodore Roosevelt

This is perhaps the most true statement I have ever seen. How many of you have been mindlessly scrolling through Facebook or what ever time-wasting social media you prefer and before you know it, 2 hours have passed and you kind of feel like shit about yourself…

Admit it or not it happens, a lot. We compare homes, cars, families, jobs, hobbies, smiles, body parts, meals, pets, vacations, and anything else someone can take a picture of. It makes us question our worth, our choices, our path. I don’t think this makes us good or bad, simply human. Feeling this way in the privacy of your own iPhone is one thing. Being crippled by it in public is a whole other beast. So here we go on my embarrassing story of comparison and the time that it stole my moment…

One of my favorite things to do in the summer is take a week off and just be “Mom”. No work, no plans, no trips, no deadlines, no alarm clocks. It is truly relaxing to be free of all the daily bullshit. On Tuesday of my Mom week I took the little one to the pool. As soon as we get there he is in the water and ready to go! The first hour is wonderful. We are going down the water slides, getting in every pool, and enjoying our day immensely. The whistles blow and it’s adult swim. The little one is pissed so I bribe him with snacks to lure him out of the pool (yes I bribe my children-don’t judge). We head over to our chairs and see that a family has set up camp next to us. There is a set of twins a bit younger than my little one and 2 parents that look like they fell out of J.Crew. Immediately my attention is pulled form my fun pool day to all my insecurities. I begin comparing myself to this other mom at an astonishing rate. She’s thin, no stretch marks, no dimples, matching pool gear and suits, healthy snacks. The perfect all American family. They were lovely. My little one and I have a few towels tossed in a reusable grocery bag, a couple bottles of water, and I just bought him Oreo’s from the snack bar.

Finally, adult swim is over and we haul ass back to the pool. I can’t get away fast enough. Sadly, my neurotic thoughts don’t end there. I am gawking at everyone around me and spiting out reasons in my head of why they are better. Better looking, better parents, more fun, more mellow. It was quite ridiculous thinking back to it but I couldn’t stop.

Here is where it gets even more EXTRA… I see a woman sitting on the side of the pool breast feeding. She is doing her thing, watching her other kids and feeding her baby. Her comfort and ease while doing this was amazing. I envied her confidence. THEN, I start to feel bad about the fact that I couldn’t breast feed the little one when he was born! I’m a terrible mother. The little one is 4….. WTF

What in the holy hell is wrong with me! I definitely fell down the rabbit hole on this one. Luckily, this trip to crazy town made me snap out of my self deprecating thoughts and I was back in the moment.

For all of those wondering I was not neglecting the little one during this time. I simply got a bit quieter than I was before.

I start to go down the slides again and splash and play. We are back to having a good time. The big one gets to the pool then with one of his friends. He says hey and heads over to the big pool. Time goes by and we are having a blast. I am still trying very hard to stay present. I have to consciously keep those moment stealing thoughts away and I do…. for the most part. We have been at the pool all day and we are both getting very tired. I drag the little one out of the pool to start to dry off. We are sitting next to the perfect family again and having our snacks. The big one comes over to us to say that he’s heading home. I say “OK, I’ll see you there”. He smiles and says “love you mom”. I say “love you kid”. There is no fear of judgment in his voice. No embarrassment at telling his mom he loves her in public. He just says it, smiles, and walks out. My heart flutters at the sight of that kid and the wonderful human he is becoming. I look to my right and see the little one, playing with the water fountain. He looks happy and a bit tired. I scoop him up, grab our non matching pool gear and junk food, and head out to the car. My kids are awesome! They are loved. They are encouraged. They are happy. There’s no amount of matching bathing suits or apple slices that could do that. Just a couple of imperfect parents loving the shit out of their totally awesome kids.